So taking a page from mdog, I'm going to be pretty raw here.
I'm fat.
Now, to my readers who know me, that is not going to come as a big shock.
But I really hate it.
I have always felt fat. When I was a kid, I always thought I was fat. Funny, as I look back at pictures, I was plump, but I would not consider myself to have been morbidly obese. But I always had this image of me that I was fat. Unattractive.
But now I am. There is no doubt, no explaining it away. And I hate it.
So why don't I change? I want to. I hate the way I look and even more so I hate the way I feel. I know it's bad for me, I know it is sin, I know that it will become harder as I age, I know it takes away my credibility as a pastor and as a person. I know those things.
Here is the thing... I've tried so may times. Made so many resolutions. "Given it to God" (Christianeese). I've had people who say they will hold me accountable. (That works for about 3 weeks and then we both give up). And I've had some success. But with every success comes gaining even more weight back. And that scares me.
I know what it takes. Eat less, exercise more. It's pretty simple really. What's wrong with me?
So this goes pretty deep. I'm not saying the raw things. Maybe this hits too close to home.
There is this part of me that wants to ask for advice. Not sure there is much you can say I haven't heard.
So "that's all I have to say about that" [Forrest Gump]
Reflections of a Journeying Blogger
6 comments:
I know how you feel about knowing what you ought to do with your body, but still ending up not doing it - at least not for long. I'm in nearly the best shape I've been in my whole life (except for the time I was marathon training), but I still can't seem to take that next step. Working out is just hard for me - not physically so much, but mentally. I just can't get my mind to tell my body to go and do what's good for it. And, like you, I've tried dozens of plans both alone and with other people, but I always end up back in this holding pattern.
For example, I ran a marathon just over a year ago. This was under some pretty extraordinary life circumstances which I don't care to repeat, but now I don't even run 10 miles per week. Running though, has a certain attraction to me, so I do still run. But the gym is another story. I like the results of lifting weights, and I really need to build my strength, but actually going to the gym on a regular basis ends up like so many new years resolutions - on for two weeks, off for four, on again because I feel guilty, off again when I get bored. You'd think this wouldn't be so difficult.
Anyway, no advice from me, just some empathy from a skinny guy who knows how hard it is to stick with the program.
we should do lunch at subway. or take lengthy walks. or: take lengthy walks to subway! we could kill all sorts of birds, no?
no advice here, really. i imagine weight advice coming from me would ring as hollow as dating advice i might receive from attached people. just know that i identify with the self-image thing, and that i'm here for you, friend.
what's "wrong" with you is that you're HUMAN... i seem to have that problem a lot, too. it kinda sucks sometimes.
Todd... I would love to think that this is a thorn... but I'm not sure it is. My understanding of the thorn is that it is not sin.. where I'm sure my weight IS sin. But it is very true that God's grace is sufficient for me. What particularly struck you in that passage... others have said that to me... and I don't see it. Please understand, I'm not being Mr. Theology here... I really want to know.
It's been a whil since we've really been in touch, paul, so I'm not sure how much to say. I could be and have been pretty vulnerable about this in public forums before..see MDog. But here is somethign very interesting. I have recently been diagnosed with an actual condition that is directly connected to my inability to lose weight. It explains a lot for me. Upon reading up on it and talking to various professionals, there is the most incredible sense of relief. Even though this information includes some potentially unpleasant effects, my main emotion is relife. Relief that, as one article on the subject put it, "It's not my fault."
I share this because it took this recent discovery (of my new fancy sounding condition)for me to realize how deeply burdened I have been for the longest time over something that I was convinced was solely a result of my own sin and lack of discipline. I realized how shameful the weight (no pun intended) of that was only when it was lifted.
Some people are overweight because they eat too much and don't exercise enough. Some people have medical problems associated with metabolism and insulin and glands and hormones. Some people have "fat genes." Some people have emotional and psychological relationships with food that causes food to represent so much more than what it is.
To some degree, diet and exercise will have a positive effect on all of us, but if, like me, you've been trying to diet and exercise for years to little avail and only extreme crash dieting has an effect, it might not ever change.
Part of me has come to terms with it and knows that I will probably never be thin in my wedding gown when the times comes. Part of me still wants to fight, and harder now that I know what I'm actually fighting against.
If you've never been "analyzed" by a doctor in regard to your weight, you may want to try that and see if it's possible you might benefit more from one type of diet and exercise plan over another.
One other thing I have been thinking of lately is focusing on the positives of my body in regard to health and appearance. For example, while I am definitely significantly over weight, I have excellent blood pressure and cholesterol levels. I can run (not real fast or especially far, but I can.) I'm strong. I am bigger than most girls I know but I do not have a speck of cellulite. My boyfriend thinks I am hot stuff and I'm sure your wife loves every bit of you.
I hope this is encouraging or at least interesting in some way. I'm rooting for you.
Whoops, that last comment was mine. I didn't mean for it to be anonymous. :)
I eat too much. End of story. Thanks for the words, though.
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