I just talked with a friend of mine a couple of hours ago. He too is a pastor...we went to school together. He is really struggling in his marriage...and he just is giving up. Now, he is probably not getting a divorce (he would never leave his wife, kids and ministry), he is just giving up. I hear it in his voice... it is just hollow.
This issue they are struggling over is not new. He has talked with his wife about it over and over again (yes, it's about sex) and he is just coming to the conclusion that, no matter how much they talk about the issue, no matter what temporary changes she makes for the moment, she is not going to change how she treats him sexually. And the funny thing is that he is not really angry about it, just resigned to it. Just numb.
It's interesting... and my single readers out there might be offended by this (please don't be)... but I often hear single people struggle with being single. But I've been in this job too long, have known too many people (and been married long enough) to know that there are a lot of unmet expectations out there in marriage... and a lot of pain in marriages. Yes, there are some good ones... but a good marriage requires a LOT of sacrifice and a LOT of work. And to be honest, most of us are just too selfish to work that hard at anything.
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I've often thought that we place too much of an emphasis on not getting divorced and not enough on building a healthy marriage. And I wonder what the statistics would look like if we were able to measure those in lousy relationships that only stay married because they believe it is wrong to get divorced. And then, we have to ask, how did we let oursleves get to that point?
Good thoughts Jared. And I say it again... most of us are just too selfish to work that hard at anything.
I definately know how much work marriage can be, but does it really have to be "hard"? Sometimes in life, like in our jobs for example, we work dillegently, but we don't really see it as hard. It often comes to us somewhat naturally, and we take joy in it. That's not to say it's never hard or frustrating, just that those times are the exception and not the rule. I realize there are lots of people for whom their jobs are an incredible hardship, but for those that are really working where they (or God) wants them to be, there is something about it that makes the hard, not so hard. I have no idea if I'm making sense. Just, I hate to look at marriage as something that must be endured. Or even that it should be a huge struggle to acheive a good marriage. Like most good things in life, it requires effort and intention to bring it to where it is fullest and richest, but why does that have to be so hard?
It's hard because it involves people- with emotions, expectations, opinions, perspectives, differing backgrounds, weaknesses, limitations, and pride.
I have to say, to a single this is discouraging (not offensive) to hear. But I've heard it before. I have at lease two friends who have been married for less than 5 years and already have problems. Seeing couples for marital therapy has a similar discouraging effect.
I'm only dissatisfied with being single when I hope to be married. But hearing about the difficulties of marriage could certainly lead one to wonder if perhaps we are never satisfied. It's enough sometimes to make you want to throw your hands up and say, "forget it all."
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