A couple of months ago, my neighbor and friend, Mdog, had a fence that was built around her yard. (Apparently the company that owns the storage units thought someone would steal their grass). It is just a chain link fence, but what it has effectively done is turn a true neighbor (a person within easy walking distance), to a friend who has to drive to my house. This sucks.
Last night I got an email from someone who, in what seems like a lifetime ago, was a best friend. We had a falling out and I had been working to reconcile the relationship. In the fewest words possible, this person poured out bitterness and resentment -- it's certainly too much and too personal to explain here... but that really sucked.
I have had a lot of friends in my lifetime. I think I do now. These are people I just love to do life with. I love it when we are together. I love to hang out together. I love to serve together. (And I struggle with this because I realize that most of the people I consider close friends are people I, in some way serve with, And maybe I need to just own this... that the closeness is reinforced by a regular contact I have with them through church). I love and cherish my friends and consider myself really, really blessed.
But in our lives we have very few best friends.
Best friends are those people who just "get you." Usually they come into your life (or are formed) in a season were you really need them (HS, college, crisis, life in a new town, etc). They are the people you call up when you order a large pizza and know there is no way you can eat it all. And so last minute you call and say, "Hey, I have this pizza... want to eat it with me?" The relationship is two sided. You are their best friend and they are yours.
They are usually not romantic relationships. Sorry, this is just true. Yes, my wife IS my "best friend" in that she is the person I'm closest to... and yes, when we dated we spend a ton of time together and it felt great. But there are needs your spouse/fiancee/boy/girlfriend can't meet... it is too much to expect out of one relationship.
In an ideal world, there is a casualness about your relationship. It is easy to get together. You don't have to make an appointment a month in advance to hang out. You have long dinners together and watch movies. Conversation flows. You can sit in silence.
You know... this world works against having friends.
What makes a friend? Anyone want to share?
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1 comment:
Goodness, you asked a big question--one I'm not sure I can adequately answer. But I would add that a true friendship is not something that requires constant maintenance. This may make it better, but the best kind of friend is one that no matter how long it has been since you've talked, you can always pick right back up where you left off. The understanding between the two of you runs deeper than "what's happened to me recently".
Unfortunately, it seems my closest friends seldom live in the same country as me--let alone the same town. So I miss out on some of the casual togetherness inherent in many friendships. I can't call my best friend when I have too much pizza or I suddenly have a desire to go get ice cream. Oceans don't make for better friends anymore than fences make for better neighbors.
But you're right, Paul. My experience supports the theory that best friends only happen when you are in most need of them.
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