A couple of months ago, my neighbor and friend, Mdog, had a fence that was built around her yard. (Apparently the company that owns the storage units thought someone would steal their grass). It is just a chain link fence, but what it has effectively done is turn a true neighbor (a person within easy walking distance), to a friend who has to drive to my house. This sucks.
Last night I got an email from someone who, in what seems like a lifetime ago, was a best friend. We had a falling out and I had been working to reconcile the relationship. In the fewest words possible, this person poured out bitterness and resentment -- it's certainly too much and too personal to explain here... but that really sucked.
I have had a lot of friends in my lifetime. I think I do now. These are people I just love to do life with. I love it when we are together. I love to hang out together. I love to serve together. (And I struggle with this because I realize that most of the people I consider close friends are people I, in some way serve with, And maybe I need to just own this... that the closeness is reinforced by a regular contact I have with them through church). I love and cherish my friends and consider myself really, really blessed.
But in our lives we have very few best friends.
Best friends are those people who just "get you." Usually they come into your life (or are formed) in a season were you really need them (HS, college, crisis, life in a new town, etc). They are the people you call up when you order a large pizza and know there is no way you can eat it all. And so last minute you call and say, "Hey, I have this pizza... want to eat it with me?" The relationship is two sided. You are their best friend and they are yours.
They are usually not romantic relationships. Sorry, this is just true. Yes, my wife IS my "best friend" in that she is the person I'm closest to... and yes, when we dated we spend a ton of time together and it felt great. But there are needs your spouse/fiancee/boy/girlfriend can't meet... it is too much to expect out of one relationship.
In an ideal world, there is a casualness about your relationship. It is easy to get together. You don't have to make an appointment a month in advance to hang out. You have long dinners together and watch movies. Conversation flows. You can sit in silence.
You know... this world works against having friends.
What makes a friend? Anyone want to share?
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Impersonal Auto Responder
I will be gone for the next 4 days to a conference but my email auto responder is not working. So every time you send me an email, please come to this page and read the following:
"Paul is out of the office until Monday, August 28. The truth is he just doesn't like you and doesn't want to be burdened by your email this weekend. So quit bugging him."
Okay, seriously, I like you all. But I just thought an auto responder like that would be really cool.
"Paul is out of the office until Monday, August 28. The truth is he just doesn't like you and doesn't want to be burdened by your email this weekend. So quit bugging him."
Okay, seriously, I like you all. But I just thought an auto responder like that would be really cool.
David Seamands dies...
So this probably won't mean anything to any of you, but I just found out that one of my mentors in ministry, David Seamands died July 29. David taught a counseling class I had in seminary and his son, Steve, was my mentor through the ordination process. David was an incredible pastor and insightful counselor. His book, "Healing for Damaged Emotions" was one of the books that changed the course of a lot of people's lives... and helped form a lot of people's theology, including mine.
So much more to write, but I just think I will grieve a bit instead.
So much more to write, but I just think I will grieve a bit instead.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Are you sick of my depressing posts?
If you are sick of me writing sometimes depressing posts... then I recommend jumping down to the previous "Oh my God" post.
[Go ahead, the rest of us will wait.]
There is a guy in my congregation who is really sick. He may be dying. He and his wife have both been struggling with illness this year. One in the hosptial, than the other. At one point, the wife was getting tests done in the same hospital as her husband. Makes for a shorter drive time.
This couple has been married 60 years next month.
60 years... yes, you read that right. 6-0.
I went to visit him in a Columbus hospital on Saturday and ever since then I have had this image in my head: he is laying in the bed, tubes running out of his body, eyes closes, body twitching, his wife sitting at his bedside, stroking his face, saying over and over, "This is so hard. This is so hard."
She is in her 80s. Her hands show the years of use... as well as the bruises from recent medical treatments. Yet, up against his suffering face, it is as if I can see the hands of her youth -- stroking his face as if it was the first time. Affection.
And I go back to a common theme of my life... and this blog... which is that life is just hard.
I can't imagine being married 60 years. I really can't. What would it be like to lose someone after 60 years?
Honesty time: marriage is hard. I've been married 13 years. It started out hard, then got easier. About 4 years ago my wife and I were in wedded bliss. My marriage was everything I could have ever wanted it to be. On a scale of 1-10, I would have rated it an 11.
But then life gets in the way.
It is really easy to get distracted. To grow lazy. To divert attention.
It takes a lot of work to stay connected and to be affectionate to each other. And most of us are just too selfish to do that for the long haul. I can only supposed that during those 60 years this couple had those dry times. It's too bad that so much affection waits until pain.
[Go ahead, the rest of us will wait.]
There is a guy in my congregation who is really sick. He may be dying. He and his wife have both been struggling with illness this year. One in the hosptial, than the other. At one point, the wife was getting tests done in the same hospital as her husband. Makes for a shorter drive time.
This couple has been married 60 years next month.
60 years... yes, you read that right. 6-0.
I went to visit him in a Columbus hospital on Saturday and ever since then I have had this image in my head: he is laying in the bed, tubes running out of his body, eyes closes, body twitching, his wife sitting at his bedside, stroking his face, saying over and over, "This is so hard. This is so hard."
She is in her 80s. Her hands show the years of use... as well as the bruises from recent medical treatments. Yet, up against his suffering face, it is as if I can see the hands of her youth -- stroking his face as if it was the first time. Affection.
And I go back to a common theme of my life... and this blog... which is that life is just hard.
I can't imagine being married 60 years. I really can't. What would it be like to lose someone after 60 years?
Honesty time: marriage is hard. I've been married 13 years. It started out hard, then got easier. About 4 years ago my wife and I were in wedded bliss. My marriage was everything I could have ever wanted it to be. On a scale of 1-10, I would have rated it an 11.
But then life gets in the way.
It is really easy to get distracted. To grow lazy. To divert attention.
It takes a lot of work to stay connected and to be affectionate to each other. And most of us are just too selfish to do that for the long haul. I can only supposed that during those 60 years this couple had those dry times. It's too bad that so much affection waits until pain.
Monday, August 14, 2006
Denver Reflections, part 1
Last week, I spent several days in Colorado. I thought I was going there for a wedding of a good friend, but I think God's purposes might have been a bit bigger. To be honest, the first few days were somewhat of a drag. I was stuck in a hotel room with no Internet or movie channel (which were both supposed to be included), and a pair of men's underwear (which I can only assume were NOT supposed to be included). Of the people I knew, I was the only male. On top of that, I'm a pastor... and nobody wants to party with a pastor.
An aside... pastors are human too and like to have fun.
So while the women were having their late-night slumber parties (having pillow fights in their underwear... which is what ALL women do at slumber parties, right?), I sat in my room and... well... wrote sermons.
An aside... pastors get sick of writing sermons.
There is so much to reflect on from the week, but as a good friend has said, "What happens in Denver, stays in Denver." Which is not nearly as secretive as it sounds (we didn't do anything immoral)... it is just fun to say.
First, I stand by my recent post about the importance of going deep with people. Obviously, you don't want to go deep all the time... people get sick of that... but I found my best conversations with several people where when we let our guard down and didn't talk about industrial lubricant.
I met an amazing guy who was going to be a youth pastor. He was hurt by the some stuff and subsequently never darkened the door of a church for almost 30 years. Although he is a little rough around the edges, we hit it off instantly. I felt like I could hang out with him for hours at a time... hypothetically speaking... in a bar listening to blues and talking about life. I wish he lived in Athens.
I also met an amazing women who, despite losing her mom and dad, is so full of life and Jesus that I was often overwhelmed. She is one of the most interesting women I have ever met... and that is saying a lot. She knows more about the Old Testament than I would ever dream of knowing. She is fun, exciting, caring... a bit blunt (which I loved)... and one hell of a driver.
I also "met" a friend I thought I knew. I saw a side to her that I have never seen... and I really liked. It was an open, vulnerable... and very real side. I respected her before... I respect her even more now. She is a godly women who has a whole lot going for her.
Now...for the rant...
Women.
That's right; Women.
I thought I had you figured out. I really did. I consider myself pretty relationally intelligent. I know people. I'm very intuitive. But guys... just so you know... you don't have them figured out.
You really don't.
No, no. I know you THINK you might, but you don't.
Women are very complex.
Women analyze everything.
They read into stuff that I would never, ever, consider reading into.
And that causes them a lot of undue pain. Largely because men are sometimes jerks.
We don't know it. We don't always mean to act like jerks. We don't even know we are acting like jerks. But being a jerk is very deep in the fallen nature of men. We often just think about us. We are selfish.
Now, I realize women are selfish too... but that doesn't excuse us being selfish.
So I'm going to try to be less of a Jerk and I would urge all my male friends to do that same.
"Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."
An aside... pastors are human too and like to have fun.
So while the women were having their late-night slumber parties (having pillow fights in their underwear... which is what ALL women do at slumber parties, right?), I sat in my room and... well... wrote sermons.
An aside... pastors get sick of writing sermons.
There is so much to reflect on from the week, but as a good friend has said, "What happens in Denver, stays in Denver." Which is not nearly as secretive as it sounds (we didn't do anything immoral)... it is just fun to say.
First, I stand by my recent post about the importance of going deep with people. Obviously, you don't want to go deep all the time... people get sick of that... but I found my best conversations with several people where when we let our guard down and didn't talk about industrial lubricant.
I met an amazing guy who was going to be a youth pastor. He was hurt by the some stuff and subsequently never darkened the door of a church for almost 30 years. Although he is a little rough around the edges, we hit it off instantly. I felt like I could hang out with him for hours at a time... hypothetically speaking... in a bar listening to blues and talking about life. I wish he lived in Athens.
I also met an amazing women who, despite losing her mom and dad, is so full of life and Jesus that I was often overwhelmed. She is one of the most interesting women I have ever met... and that is saying a lot. She knows more about the Old Testament than I would ever dream of knowing. She is fun, exciting, caring... a bit blunt (which I loved)... and one hell of a driver.
I also "met" a friend I thought I knew. I saw a side to her that I have never seen... and I really liked. It was an open, vulnerable... and very real side. I respected her before... I respect her even more now. She is a godly women who has a whole lot going for her.
Now...for the rant...
Women.
That's right; Women.
I thought I had you figured out. I really did. I consider myself pretty relationally intelligent. I know people. I'm very intuitive. But guys... just so you know... you don't have them figured out.
You really don't.
No, no. I know you THINK you might, but you don't.
Women are very complex.
Women analyze everything.
They read into stuff that I would never, ever, consider reading into.
And that causes them a lot of undue pain. Largely because men are sometimes jerks.
We don't know it. We don't always mean to act like jerks. We don't even know we are acting like jerks. But being a jerk is very deep in the fallen nature of men. We often just think about us. We are selfish.
Now, I realize women are selfish too... but that doesn't excuse us being selfish.
So I'm going to try to be less of a Jerk and I would urge all my male friends to do that same.
"Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
What do you think?
I'm curious what you think about this.
Rick Warren is the Pastor of Saddleback Church (and author of "The Purpose Driven Life"). This is from an email I just got.
"The Saddleback staff standards on moral integrity" by Rick Warren
No matter how many times I hear it, it still shocks me: A pastor announces his resignation because of adultery. Often it’s with someone within his church, sometimes even someone actively involved in ministry, such as a choir member or Sunday school teacher.
It’s such an incredible waste of God’s resources that it not only grieves me – it angers me. I have told my staff that if any of them even flirt with temptation, I will come after them with a baseball bat, and I’ve told them to do the same with me.
As Christian leaders, we need to be above reproach. Paul wrote, "Don't be so naive and self-confident. You're not exempt. You could fall flat on your face as easily as anyone else. Forget about self-confidence; it's useless. Cultivate God-confidence." (1 Cor. 10:12 MSG)
That’s why I established these Saddleback staff standards for maintaining moral integrity:
- Thou shalt not go to lunch alone with the opposite sex.*
- Thou shalt not have the opposite sex pick you up or drive you places when it is just the two of you.*
- Thou shalt not kiss any attender of the opposite sex or show affection that could be questioned.*
- Thou shalt not visit the opposite sex alone at home.
- Thou shalt not counsel the opposite sex alone at the office, and thou shalt not counsel the opposite sex more than once without that person’s mate. Refer them.
- Thou shalt not discuss detailed sexual problems with the opposite sex in counseling. Refer them.
- Thou shalt not discuss your marriage problems with an attender of the opposite sex.
- Thou shalt be careful in answering emails, instant messages, chatrooms, cards, or letters from the opposite sex.
- Thou shalt make your secretary your protective ally.
- Thou shalt pray for the integrity of other staff members.
* The first three do not apply to unmarried staff
"But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.” (Eph. 5:3 NIV)
Rick Warren is the Pastor of Saddleback Church (and author of "The Purpose Driven Life"). This is from an email I just got.
"The Saddleback staff standards on moral integrity" by Rick Warren
No matter how many times I hear it, it still shocks me: A pastor announces his resignation because of adultery. Often it’s with someone within his church, sometimes even someone actively involved in ministry, such as a choir member or Sunday school teacher.
It’s such an incredible waste of God’s resources that it not only grieves me – it angers me. I have told my staff that if any of them even flirt with temptation, I will come after them with a baseball bat, and I’ve told them to do the same with me.
As Christian leaders, we need to be above reproach. Paul wrote, "Don't be so naive and self-confident. You're not exempt. You could fall flat on your face as easily as anyone else. Forget about self-confidence; it's useless. Cultivate God-confidence." (1 Cor. 10:12 MSG)
That’s why I established these Saddleback staff standards for maintaining moral integrity:
- Thou shalt not go to lunch alone with the opposite sex.*
- Thou shalt not have the opposite sex pick you up or drive you places when it is just the two of you.*
- Thou shalt not kiss any attender of the opposite sex or show affection that could be questioned.*
- Thou shalt not visit the opposite sex alone at home.
- Thou shalt not counsel the opposite sex alone at the office, and thou shalt not counsel the opposite sex more than once without that person’s mate. Refer them.
- Thou shalt not discuss detailed sexual problems with the opposite sex in counseling. Refer them.
- Thou shalt not discuss your marriage problems with an attender of the opposite sex.
- Thou shalt be careful in answering emails, instant messages, chatrooms, cards, or letters from the opposite sex.
- Thou shalt make your secretary your protective ally.
- Thou shalt pray for the integrity of other staff members.
* The first three do not apply to unmarried staff
"But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.” (Eph. 5:3 NIV)
Oh...My...God...
Okay... this is...ah....um.....ah....interesting.
I guess it's not funny unless you know the real song.
But okay, honestly, I think this is hilarious.
I guess it's not funny unless you know the real song.
But okay, honestly, I think this is hilarious.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Back Home
At some point I will blog about this week... but suffice to say that it's 1:45 am (God's time) and I'm home.
A good friend and I spent a lot of time this weekend talking about industrial lubricant. But we are on Eastern Standard time... so that is all I will say. God is very good. So are good friendships.
Thanks friend.
A good friend and I spent a lot of time this weekend talking about industrial lubricant. But we are on Eastern Standard time... so that is all I will say. God is very good. So are good friendships.
Thanks friend.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Tiffany gets hitched
Today my friend Tiffany gets married. As I write this, I'm sitting in a lobby of a hotel, wearing a suit, getting ready to go to the wedding.
You know, marriage is hard. And they have a lot of rough spots ahead of them. But marriage is an excellent place to learn and practice grace. And that is a good thing.
The passage of Scripture I'm reading during the ceremony is from Romans 12... but here is verse 9.
"Let love be sincere; hate what is evil, hold on to what is good. Love one another with mutual affection; anticipate one another in showing honor."
I don't know what translation this is from... but I really like it. Read it again a couple of times. Memorize it. I think that one is worth holding onto.
"Anticipate one another in showing honor."
You know, marriage is hard. And they have a lot of rough spots ahead of them. But marriage is an excellent place to learn and practice grace. And that is a good thing.
The passage of Scripture I'm reading during the ceremony is from Romans 12... but here is verse 9.
"Let love be sincere; hate what is evil, hold on to what is good. Love one another with mutual affection; anticipate one another in showing honor."
I don't know what translation this is from... but I really like it. Read it again a couple of times. Memorize it. I think that one is worth holding onto.
"Anticipate one another in showing honor."
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Leaving... on a jet plane....
And like Mdog, I know when I'll be back again. In fact, I come back on the same plane as her.
So the flight is delayed (only 15 minutes) and I practice good flying educate, so I get to the airport 1.5 hours early. So I've been checking email and reading all your blogs. I think it's cool that Columbus airport provides free wireless... seeing many of them charge. (I paid $450 for my plane ticket... wireless better be free!)
So I love to people watch. And airports are a fun place to do it. Almost as much fun as a mall.
It interesting how much you can "tell" about a person by watching them. What they are reading, how they are dressed. How their bags are packed. What bags they are carrying. What they are doing while they wait. I'm betting I can tell if a person is a business traveler or traveling for leisure and how often they travel with pretty good regularity. You can tell by how they walk and what they are looking at.
There was a time years and years ago I thought the idea of flying was exciting. Adventurous. Now, I do it with such regularity that... well... it has lost it's luster in some ways. But only some.
But to be honest, I love the window seat... and it is not unusual for me to spend a 3 hour flight largely looking out the window. I'm amazed by the concept of flight.
Well... it won't be long until they call my flight. Here is hoping you all have a good week.
So the flight is delayed (only 15 minutes) and I practice good flying educate, so I get to the airport 1.5 hours early. So I've been checking email and reading all your blogs. I think it's cool that Columbus airport provides free wireless... seeing many of them charge. (I paid $450 for my plane ticket... wireless better be free!)
So I love to people watch. And airports are a fun place to do it. Almost as much fun as a mall.
It interesting how much you can "tell" about a person by watching them. What they are reading, how they are dressed. How their bags are packed. What bags they are carrying. What they are doing while they wait. I'm betting I can tell if a person is a business traveler or traveling for leisure and how often they travel with pretty good regularity. You can tell by how they walk and what they are looking at.
There was a time years and years ago I thought the idea of flying was exciting. Adventurous. Now, I do it with such regularity that... well... it has lost it's luster in some ways. But only some.
But to be honest, I love the window seat... and it is not unusual for me to spend a 3 hour flight largely looking out the window. I'm amazed by the concept of flight.
Well... it won't be long until they call my flight. Here is hoping you all have a good week.
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