Edited post

So I posted something the other day and then removed it. I decided to re-post it, although I deleted two sentences... but you get the gist of it!

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So this is going to be one of those posts that my professors in seminary would tell me not to write. "Always keep your distance, don't be too vunlnerable with people."

I turn 39 soon. Wow, even looking at that feels old. I almost wrote "29."

For me, turning 29 was harder than turning 30. Turning 30 was eclipsed by coming to my current job. In many ways it was a "promotion." I was moving. I was young. I was being watched by my superiors. I was the up and coming thing...AND I felt in the center of God's will (even if it was one of the hardest things I have ever done.)

Now I'm no longer young. Yes, I know I'm not "old"... but I'm not young. And I have passed up some opportunities to move "up the ladder" in my career for staying right where I am. While I wouldn't say I'm no longer "successful" in some sense, I haven't lived up to my own expectations as a pastor. My church, as much as I love it and as much as I am committed to it... isn't where I thought it would be after 9 years here. And I can't blame anyone but... well... me. (Pastors joke that the first 3 years in a church, you can blame most of the bad stuff on the person who came before you... it's not true, but at least you can use it as an excuse!)

I wonder if I make a difference sometimes. I know I do... and people do tell me... but you know... there is always the, "I could be doing more." Maybe it's "I could be being more."

I'm really not sure what brought this on. This has been a "mid-life crisis year" for me! (Maybe that is why I rent convertibles at conferences!) But physically I feel terrible. I'm really overweight and the only person I have been able to sustain a regular workout routine with is now moving!

Now, here is the thing... I still love my job, and I have what must be considered the "good life..." In many ways I'm pleased with my life. In fact, there is a good chance I will wake up tomorrow and I will have a totally different attitude. But right now I just feel really raw. Does that make sense?