My wife and I struggled a great deal over the decision to have children. We had been married for 11 years, had a great relationship and loved each other deeply. We didn't need a child to complete us or to make our marriage better. There wasn't this deep need in either of us to have kids. The only reason we could think of for having a child was our desire to give our lives away to someone else. The ultimate in discipleship.
When we finally decided to try (or not try as the case may be) to have kids, we gave God a window of time...5 months. Starting Sunday morning, Feb 1 if she was not pregnant that was it. Time passed and month after month she was not pregnant. We had pretty much decided that it was not God's will for us to have kids...when on Saturday, January 31, the pregnancy test came back positive.
When she found out she was pregnant, for the longest time we thought we made a mistake. There were lots of emotions I have written in my personal journal, that I'm not sure I could blog at this time... but the biggest one was fear. What if I hated being a dad? What if I carried feelings of resentment for her being in my life? What if we didn't love her?
Tonight I put my 4 month old daughter to bed. I watched her as she slept in my arms and I was overwhelmed with how much love I felt for this life that has only been here for 4 short months. Maybe I'm an emotional person anyway, but I sat and watched her for a good 1/2 hour...just overwhelmed by how much love I had for this life I held in my arms. I thought about how close we came to not having her. I wondered what my life would be like now if I lost her. I guess I would just have to trust God with that...
And as I sat there...just staring at her...just loving her...just soaking in the joy of being her dad...the voice of my Heavenly Father whispered to me..."Oh Paul...by the way...now you have just a glimpse of how much I love you."
No, it can't be. Does the bible actually suggest that if I, as a fallen, earthly father, can love my child and want good things for her...than how much more does my heavenly father love me and want good things for me? Is it really that scandalous? Is His love for me really that radical? Am I really "the apple of his eye" -- the very center of His attention? Is He really that fixated on my little life? Does He really take that much delight in just looking at me? Loving me?
That kind of love was really beyond my comprehension until my daughter. If the only reason we were to have my daughter was for that moment, then it was worth it. Please God, let there be more of them, but I think I understand you more now.
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5 comments:
it is encouraging to know that i am not the only person on earth that doesn't feel that deep need... sometimes it feels like i'm the only one. [of course, i'm missing the middle step there anyway, but still.]
thanks for the insight.
mdog
No, you need to talk to my wife. Kids are great but I'm sure they are not for everyone. And if you don't have one you don't know what you are missing. That was the struggle for us. But I'm sure there are some who the no kids option is great.
well, i have a feeling that like you two, i will want that someday. but right now? it seems like every other woman my age wants marriage and kids, five minutes ago.
i can barely handle my nephews... i'm not ready for my own kid!
time will tell...
mdog
It's interesting how God changed my heart on this over time. What I struggled with was "Hey, I don't really want kids, but some of my friends REALLY do and can't or are not married...so what does that mean?" But I guess I have to believe that God is in control. Right? O)
I had a similar experience recently, but from the daughter's perspective. Due to a storm, my power was out for days. As my house got colder, I decided to head to my parents for warmth and shelter. Unfortunately, I couldn't get out of my garage (no power--and a missing emergency release cord). I called my dad, crying (from sheer frustration more than anything). And my dad said to me, "Don't cry, honey, I'll come get you." It hit me, again, how much my dad loves me, how he would do anything to take care of me and protect me--even at age 30.
It made me think about what Jesus says (my paraphrase): If you who are evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in Heaven give you all good things.
My own dad is far from "evil", but in comparison to the goodness of God, maybe it would seem so.
It just amazes me that no matter what "garage" we are trapped in, we have a Father that will never leave us alone...who will always come rescue us...all we have to do is cry out...and sometimes not even that.
tina
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