life...

I can tell when I have been working too much and it is starting to affect me. It is something I have learned about myself over the years. When this area of my life is out of balance, I notice a couple of signs:

1. The phone rings and, no matter who it is, I just tense up. It's almost like I become resentful for someone intruding on my life. Of course, this "someone" could be my wife or best friend. Even people I enjoy talking to, even people I want to talk to... the sound of my phone just makes me tense during these times.

2. I don't really enjoy the things I normally enjoy. This includes my job, but it also includes being with my family, eating out with my wife, spending time with friends, etc. And again, it's not that I don't "enjoy" these people or things... it's that I'm unable to enjoy them or be fully present much of the time.

I have been aware for several months that my life was going out of balance. To be clear, this is through no fault but my own. I have said "yes" too many times and haven't managed my calendar well. To be clear, my calendar is filled (largely) with things I want to do and people I want to meet with. But it doesn't matter...and that is part of my point. It is a matter of boundaries and my desire at times not to want to set them.

Just this week I noticed bright light at the end of the tunnel. But here is the thing (and for you observant folks, the reason I pulled the first version of this post and changed it)....

I feel I "missed" a lot of the last couple of months.

There, but not fully present. Does that makes sense?

I have been more on edge, less filled with joy and just enjoyed life less... I have probably been a pain to be around and not as much fun to work with. When I am doing one thing I can't give myself fully to it...

And I regret that.

I know (and am discovering more and more) that much of my inability to enjoy life is due to pace and workload. But I also need to return to some practices that are a part of who I am... that I have let go of.. and I need to learn some new habits.

So you, my dear readers, get to hear my list (I can sense the excitement in the blogosphere).

Here are some things I am working to embrace (actually re-embrace)

1. Fasting. I used to fast very regularly. Within the last 2 years I have let that discipline slide and only recently have begun again. But this is one of those disciples that sharpen me and actually help me enjoy life more. Go figure.

2. Days with God. Up until the past two years (timed with the birth of my daughter), I would regularly take a day a month and go away to just read and pray and write. I have the time, the place... why don't I do this? Well... there is always one more ministry thing to do, one more person to meet with, one more teaching to write.

3. Reading. I read a lot. But as only one who preaches week in, week out can tell you, there is something very different about random reading ("oh, I feel like reading") and disciplined (an hour a day) reading. For the past couple of nights, I sat down and read Dallas Willard (big surprise to any of my readers?) for an hour or so. Just me on my couch. It was really, really nice. And I felt my soul grow.

4. "Werewolf" - I like being with groups of my friends and playing interactive games. I find it very relaxing. The key for me is to plan it so I know it's coming and I can build a buffer in my life so I actually have the evening free. Not just free from commitments, but "free" in that I can give attention to the moment.

5. Early mornings. Now, there is nothing spiritual about mornings... but I used to get up at 4 or 5... and I really miss that.

Things I need to give up to make this happen...

To be continued