Tonight I blog for me...it won't make sense, but I guess it therapeutic. Read on if you desire...
Today my oldest dog had surgery. He had a large tumor removed. When it came out it was about the size of a baseball. They sent it away for a biopsy, but there is a good chance it's cancer. My dog has been around for 9 1/2 years and is very much a part of the family. Truth is, he may live for years longer, but today I found myself letting go a bit...just in case.
I find myself thinking about death a lot lately. Loss.
Yesterday, I learned that a very close family friend finally lost in her battle with cancer. I grew up with her family. Her daughters are the same ages as my brother and me. She was my mom's age.
Tonight I had dinner with a large group of friends. I looked around the room and realized how important these people are to me...how much I value them. Several have been in my life since I have been at my current job. A couple at the dinner walked with my wife and me through the hardest season of our lives so far -- they are two of the most godly people I know. (As corny as it sounds I almost cry every-time I see them I'm so thankful). Several of the people in the room work with me on a regular basis. We have had joys, struggles, fights, pain... all those experiences make them that much more special to me. And I realized that many of them won't be in my life in 5 -10 years...many much sooner. One had already moved away.
As I write this, my daughter sleeps. She is so young, and so small... and so vulnerable. I know her life will bring us lots of joy...it already has...but I'm very aware that there will be pain as well. Tonight, I even found myself holding her more tightly...or losely...
In between almost each sentence type, I'm watching my wife. She is sitting on the couch across from me unaware of my gaze or admiration. She is stunningly beautiful. After 11 years, I love her more today than ever. But in the back of my mind, I remember that I almost lost her several months ago. Those memories and feelings still linger...maybe more than I want to admit.
Is it any wonder I'm thinking about death?
My wife told me that when she was on the operating table, she asked the doctor, "So, am I going to die?" The doctor replied, in a rather safe, non-promising way, "Well, we are doing everything we can." My wife said that, in that moment, she realized she may indeed die.
But to her surprise, there was no fear...
It was kind of matter-of-fact for her. In fact, she would probably tell you that in that moment, she was ready...even anticipated it a bit. She was worried for me... but oddly excited for her.
I have the hope of eternal life. I believe to the core of my being that although I will die physically, the real me will live on. There are weeks, like this one, where I think that death wouldn't be bad. No more mourning, or conflict, or toil, pain. I guess it is good to hunger for heaven a bit.
No great conclusion here. In fact, I'm tired. No, I'm feeling weary. It's 10 pm and I'm going to bed.
The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the Name of the Lord.
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4 comments:
in my opinion, you should always blog for you. but to each his own.
there are weeks when i have similar thoughts as well, paul. life is hard... sometimes unbearably so. funny how that which we long for is also that which keeps us going.
selah.
We are kindred, you and I. This I like. Fight on, warrior brother.
Last night I went to see Constantine with a friend. I wasn't expecting much but I could tell he really wanted to see it so we went. It wasn't that good but it provoked some deep conversation, largely about life and death and faith and the dialogue was introduced by him, not me. Though this movie is sort of a typical Keanu Reeves in a half brooding, half bad-ass role, it is likely to stir in people a lot of the "what if" questions, which are pretty much what brought me to faith in the first place.
I often think (and this is going to sound strange) that death is nothing. It is, to paraphrase one of my favorite movie lines of all time, inevitable. And the sooner we accept that, the better off we'll be, because then we can begin the REALLY hard work, which is determining our spiritual status before God.
And for those of us who are believers, it's actually pretty cool. That's one of the things I do like about this life -- everything is important, and at the same time, nothing is.
Grief, OTOH, is a totally different thing and can really mess you up. I went through a time of grieving a few months ago that I'm still not healed from... even though to all appearances, I am. But it's something that will never not be deeply painful to think about. For various reasons, grief is a feeling I have been well acquainted with in my life. I wouldn't say at all that I've "learned" how to handle it -- ha. But I've learned *about* it, and have learned not to fear it, which is, for now, a blessing.
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