So I'm trying to take Wednesday's off. A regular day off is a discipline...I want to work because I have so much to do. There is always more to do...work piles up even as I type. My daughter is sleeping and I'm sort of down for some reason. So why not blog and share my feelings with a bunch of fellow bloggers. Actually, I'm just reflecting (which is part of my day off discipline so I guess it's okay).
So a while back I wrote that I miss play. I still do. Last night some friends came over and we played a board game. It was fun and refreshing to me...so why don't I do this kind of thing more? Well, it takes work. Play takes work. Going to other people's homes is complicated with a baby, finding a day free on the schedule is always difficult. I can't just do what I want to do, I want my wife included as well, and she is less likely to just go to hang out with a large group of people. Life is just complicated. Friendship is complicated.
But my soul feels weak and deep friendship is healing...
Do you all have a "best friend?" I guess you can define that the way you want to, but I define it as a person who is your closest friend and you are theirs'. For me, the reciprocity is important. My wife and I have some people we like, but we are probably not the first people they would call.
To be honest, there is a certain amount of fear in becoming close with people as they may leave or hurt you.
So maybe I'm being too vulnerable here, but I've had a lot of pain in the friendship area. A couple we were really close with moved away a couple of years back. He went to get a doctorate, their stay in my town was temporary. Yes, we talk every now and then...but it's never the same. Several years ago my wife and I lost our best friends to some conflict involving my work. I can remember when we first met, we went out to dinner together. I was working in another town, there were not a lot of people our age. So from the moment we ran into each other there was this connection. When we came home from dinner I was so filled with life. I had so much energy. I actually said to my wife, "do you think they like us? I hope they like us!" (I felt like I was in junior high!) The following night they invited us over for dinner and a movie. And for years after that, we just did life together. Lots of fun, lots of pain, lots of time...the 4 of us. I'm big on reconciliation, but honestly, I've given up hope on that one ever being restored.
It's easy to have lots of acquaintances and no friends, you know? In fact, I would even say I have lots of friends. I really do. (But I even hold them at arms length at times as I realize many of them will move. In my life right now, I have 15 people that are considering moving...many of them my closest friends.) But there is something in us (I suspect it has to do with being made in the image of a relational God) that makes us long to deeply connect with other people. "It is not good for a man to be alone" I suspect was not just talking about marriage.
There are many times I wanted to become Amish. Work hard all day, friends come over and you sit out on the porch together, drink lemonade and talk. And work is defined by the daylight and by the barn being built with your family and friends. And dinner is shared around the table. People just stop by and they don't carry around planners. There is a community committed to helping folks work out conflict.
And weak souls become strong.
Maybe it doesn't exist. But how I long for my local church to be like that. It would take a counter cultural people who were willing to think about time, and life, and work, and commitment in a different way. It would take a simplifying of the NUMBER of commitments so that the DEPTH of commitment could be there. And maybe that is just unrealistic this side of heaven.
"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Now the dwelling of God is with people, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.'"
Reflections of a Journeying Blogger
12 comments:
i've been thinking about this, recently, and i think i've come to the consideration that i may be forever resigned to fall through the cracks. i had a "best friend" when i was growing up, but we drifted in different directions while we were in highschool, and we haven't really been close since. there are only two or three people, now, that i ever really spend any time with, but i don't know that they would consider me to be their best friend. i think that designation really needs to be two sided. if i think one person is my best friend, but they think someone else is their best friend and someone else thinks i'm their best friend...well, you can see how confusing this is. and i think you know how easily this can happen.
i've never really had any type of mentor or accountability partner that's lasted more than a month or two at a time...usually those people have moved away or become too busy to meet with me. and i've also never really felt like i've been on anybody's "call list" when things are happening. these things used to frustrate me...even make me feel sad and lonely. and, at times, i've been led to believe that this is all my fault: "why don't YOU call some people up?" but, you know, it's equally as trying to be the one who always calls.
the result of all this, is that i've learned how to be content in solitude...to the point that i often forget that there are people that i could (or, more appropriately, should) hang out with. and i have to think of creative ways to motivate myself to actually leave home and go find some people to invest some time in.
geoff.
"i'm a loner, dotty; a rebel."
geoff
i wonder how many people feel the same way you do? I wonder how many people have never had a mentor (or one that lived up to their expectations). How many of us feel we are not on the call list when things happen. And how much of that is real, and how much is perception. (I aways thought you had lots of friends and were always doing stuff with people...)
i do know a lot of people, but i really only see them once a week (or less). and it's hard for me to go to parties or hang out with groups of people, sometimes, because i can't follow the conversation. it seems like they're all having these "insider" conversations about things i don't understand or don't know about...and i think, "where was i when this was happening?"
i have reason to believe that there are a lot of people who feel this way...but it's not like we're going to form a club about it, or anything. we're introverts and loners, after all.
geoff.
I have three long term best friends...Bev, Kelly and Bethany. They are the three I will ALWAYS call when the (blank) hits the fan and when I have good news. The interesting thing is...I'm single and they are all married. So, though I am definitely each of their best girlfriends...they have another person in their life that is closer to them than I am...their husbands, of course. Maybe that's part of why I have three. The other thing is that I almost always have a "partner in crime" single girlfriend around. The girl, in whatever town I'm living in, that I can dish with and talk about boys with and go out with and all of that stuff. I've always been blessed in the friend arena. I may have had more broken hearts than anyone I know, but I've probably had more willing hands to hold the Kleenex and literally wipe the snot off my drippy nose than anyone else. In all honesty, I am regularly in touch with a lot of people....I could comfortably move to Seattle, Athens, Detroit or New York and know I'd feel right at home due to strong relationships in all of those cities. Like, the kind where I could probably move into the homes of some people in each of those places and not even think twice about it and neither would they. Kelly and Matt and Ben and Bethany and Matt and Bev have always been these kind of friends...I'm grateful for them....they've been so committed and so supportive through the most unpleasant of times. Me being in Pittsburgh and all of them being scattered throughout the country seems crazy to me....why don't we just buy a big farm and live together...the city girl says.....but I have been pleasantly surprised to find strong relationships here in The Burgh, my home turf, that have stood the test of time as well...friends I've had since high school and earlier, still going strong. It's not quite the same as the Capes, Cookes and Hales, but it's good. And I need it now. I need Matthew to call me to go couch shopping and Haley to call me to plan a party and Kelly S. to call me to go out on the town and Jen to call me about some issues she's been having. I need these people, and I need them to need me right now. It's where i find life...in relationships....strong ones. I used to think that when single girlfriends got married, it was all over, and that was hard. But that's not true...there's a period of adjustment that can be quite painful...but I've noticed that married girlfriends have a deep appreciation for the single girl that sticks around and embraces this newly married friend as tightly as ever, even though the girl in question is still still still single. Married people feel lonely too...you mentioned that Paul and it's true true true. I've seen it. I used to just be jealous. But now, in the last few years, I see in many ways it's simply a case of the grass being greener on the side you're not on. I love being single now....have I mentioned that?! I embrace the spontanaity and lack of responsibility that are only possible now. I love knowing that the great love (loves?) of my life is around the corner somewhere. And my friends are such a fun, healing, deep, important part of my life experience. Having a small army of people you know you can call at 4am if you needed to is a rich blessing, and from what I'm hearing is actually somewhat rare. I thank God for it. I know I'm blessed. - jessi
friendship. i really like friendship. my family doesn't really connect well, emotionally; and so the deepest love i know this side of heaven is that of friends. i really can't express how much i value a true, solid friendship.
i've never been a person interested in getting to know a whole lot of people in any given place. 'if you can't go deep, why bother?' is sort of my attitude. other people have other outlooks, and that is totally cool. but for me, given a small handful -- heck, maybe even only one, or two -- deep, life-giving friendships in any given place, and you will find one content mdog. people that are willing to encourage me and walk with me and call me out when necessary and love me when i don't deserve it... this is where healing is found.
this is a bad town to be in, in terms of the likelihood of people leaving your lives. i remember saying at one point, "i'm not going to get to know anyone else, because they're just going to leave, anyway!" i said this jokingly, but i mean, seriously: doesn't it feel rational some days? i admit i sometimes decide to not get close to someone because i know they're only here for a defined period of time. i'm still not sure if that's a sign of cowardice, or self-preservation.
i've felt my fair share of abandonment. the end of 2003 and much of 2004 was not what i would call the best time of my life. much of my support system had either moved away or were otherwise unavailable to me. at some point i started getting connected with others again; but i had to make efforts, many of which took me out of my comfort zones. i'm an introvert through and through... but even introverts need community and connection. and i know relationships aren't going to be handed to me on a silver platter: and after any initial easy connections, they take a certain amount of maintenance and thought to stay healthy. sometimes i feel left out of things. i think we all do. and then sometimes you have to take charge of your life and find or create situations where you can be open and available to people. and it's not always easy. but it's usually good.
and paul, i like to drop by once in awhile. but for some reason, every time i do, one set of parents is always there. it's really starting to weird me out! :)
This is another topic that I could write much about. I'll try not to. I'll just say that I think it is absolutely worthwhile to meet people and "go deep" with them, even if you know they are going to move away. We have enough love to go around, or we should. And for every person who leaves this area, another one moves in.
In my current cynical mood, I want to say that if you're lonely it's because you aren't trying hard enough. "Cowardice and self-preservation." People are out there, but you have to go to them. Isn't that what you want for yourself, after all?
I say this because I tire so often of my own bellyaching. I'm not saying anyone here is bellyaching but myself. If I'm not happy with the way things are, I usually only have myself to blame. Words from a naive, cynical, pessimistic, prideful introvert. Ya gotta love me.
I'm in a phase of my life when I have said too much and done too little. I'm sick of my own whining voice. I only have so many days on this planet, and sometimes I'm honestly not sure what the "great beyond" will hold in store. So, I've got these days at least, and I want them to be everything that they can be. And that means I need to start doing something with them.
If there are things in this world that need to be done, then we should do them. Take heart. I more often find myself mourning the lack of partnership in my life--someone to do life with. And that, in some sense, is what all of our posts are about, yes?
"People just stop by and they don't carry around planners." I like that. Especially in terms of church.
This may sound a bit cheesy, but once I heard a quote that said approximately "people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. once you figure out which, you will know exactly what to do." that rings true in my mind and has helped me develop a framework to understand that a person is not a static entity. it follows that neither are friendships.
I've moved around every few years since high school, and have learned to cope well and even thrive in the change of a new environment. I found this last move more difficult, people-wise, because at first I felt that I had made enough friends already and had exhausted some hypothetical youthful reserve of energy meant to sustain one through a certain number of "hi my name is rachel" and subsequent getting-to-know-you conversations. then the loneliness started getting to me, and I realized that I still needed to initiate in order to be invited. to know in order to be known. but I am still convinced now that I know better who I am and where I am going, that quality is much better than quantity.
rachel
b109.com
((good topic))
Tiff said...
I could comment on what has been said before, but I'd rather write about friendship as I've experienced it in my life.
As a kid, I was incredibly shy. I would hide behind my mom at the grocery store. In Jr. High, if a boy talked to me, I would usually not say anything. This caused one boy to ask if I was mute or deaf. How awkward! Then High school hit and I started to talk to more people. I'm not sure what changed. I started making more friends and those friendships got a lot deeper.
At different periods throughout life I've had a best friend (High school, college [CO/KY], master's and now in Athens). Though many of them are now close friends, at the time we were inseparable.
I remember after I figured out who this Jesus guy was and that I wanted to know him more, I prayed that He would place the right friends in my life that would speak His truth and display His love. It may sound farfetched to some, but He has been incredibly faithful in this.
He continues to be faithful. Like you, Paul and mdog, I had thoughts that "people are going to leave, so what's the point?". This was while I was working on my MA. What was to be a 2 yr program and limited connectedness, produced 2 of the most amazing friendships I've ever had. Chris C. is a man who continues to teach me about strength, humor, optimism and calls me out when I'm being stupid, stubborn or self-deprecating. Chris S. is the one I call when I need to know that I'm not alone, the one I watch crazy drag-queen movies and sing ABBA with and the one who's hugs always always make me feel loved. When her dad passed away last summer, I wept for hours (I don't cry much, so this was huge). Then I did everything I could to find a plane ticket so I could be there with her at the funeral. I had everything ready and lined up, then she called and told me she would rather spend time with me when everyone else has stopped calling, coming by and cooking for her. She wanted to be with me when she was going through the roughest part of it. When she gets married, I know that it will be incredibly painful, but something that I will adjust to with time.
The thing that all of my best friends through the years share is their witness of me at my worst. No kidding, now it took on different shapes and situations, but they all still saw it. For Jen, my best friend from High School it was watching me as I spiralled into the darkeness of despair, hopelessness and nihilism, the height of my Goth experience. For my friends in KY, it was their coming and getting my depressed butt outta bed at 1pm and dragging me to the dining hall for lunch so that I would eat something. Those in Denver, it was their willingness to speak truth to me inspite of my strong, often negative defensive responses. And finally, Athens, my best friend here lets me vent after listening to clients all day, laughs at silly misunderstandings like Manlake?, and shares with me struggles and dreams, trusting that I will not only pray for her, but be there for her while she manuevers all of this.
Wow, I've said a lot. I'm not sure where else to go with this. I still speak to all of these people, some on a more superficial level, but they know when major life things come up, they can call me and I will pray for them and do what I can. The thing I'm struggling with is how to stay connected to those who I'm close with here. It is a challenge in the midst of school, work and personal time.
The thing that has always been hard for me is people going in and out of my life. My dad tried many times to explain that life is like that. It wasn't until I was, oh, 25, that I really understood this and finally got some peace about it. At times I try to find old friends, but I'm not sure what I would say to them. I'd rather invest in the ones I have now than try to reconnect. Who knows, maybe some day our paths will cross again.
Wow, friendship, it's hardwork sometimes, but oh sooooooo worth it.
I want to make something clear... my friendship comments were not that I don't have friends...or that people don't reach out to me, but rather there is a depth that is missing that comes through ongoing "doing life together". I had a good friend (maybe my best friend) e-mail me after reading this and basically said, "Well what about me!" He lives on the other side of the state.
I rest my case! Lemonade is rarely shared on the other side of the state!
So, that was not written to get all of you to call me. Or affirm me. It was a challenge for all of us to to feed our souls more often and appreciate what we have.
I had a best friend while in Athens. We met in Athens and this friend was the closest friend I'd ever had. I'm not sure, but I thought we were still best friends, but the way we've kept in touch over the past year (with me no longer in Athens) it sure doesn't feel like it! This person is wonderful, but after our last conversation, I get the feeling that we aren't connecting anymore because of words such as "you've changed". To me it's really sad if this is the reason we are drifting. To remain a static person is inhibition to growth! I'm still the same person inside, just new experiences; though I will never be the same as I once partly because of this person. That's normal. I've learned a lot from this person and am thankful to God for the gift of their presence in my life. I do hope it's for a lifetime. But, if it was just for a season, I'm sad yes, but I can only thank God for that time.
This is in response to goeff's post.
I, too, am not on anyone's "call" list. I don't have a best friend or any close friends. I do have a friend I e-mail and occassionally have a deeper, more philosophical conversations with, but we don't really see each other face to face except in rare circumstances, and we don't even correspond with each other all that often. I used to have a close friend from college I tried to keep up with through e-mail when we moved to different cities, but I started hearing from her less and less. The last time I saw her she was caught up with being married, owning a house and having children, and me -- single, not dating anyone, no house, no kids, and therefore nothing to talk to about anymore.
Nor have I ever had a mentor, although I have met a few people that could have made a difference in my life -- if they had come along earlier.
I've gone through the "You should call someone" too. But most of the people I know are married, have plenty of other friends (arguably more fun than I am, too), and don't seem to want to have to spend their social time with me anyway. (That's not to say that I don't get the pity invites for Thanksgiving.)
Sorry, this is sort of depressing, but just to say it, there are people out there who don't have much in the way of friendships or any other solid relationships.
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