Lesson #3: "Marry Well."

To know me is to know my dad. I'm Ed's son. So much of who I am, so much of what I do, has been formed by my dad. These posts are a series of reflections on some life lessons my dad taught me. They are based out of the eulogy I did for my dad's memorial service on April 7, 2010.
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Life Lesson #3 - My Dad taught me how to marry well. How to love passionately, and how to show respect to women.

My dad loved my mom deeply. He wrote her love notes, did little acts of kindness for her, bought her cards. Dad was always thinking about what mom liked or what would make her happy.

And they were very affectionate.

And I liked that. Their affection for each other always made me feel lucky to have them as parents.

Years ago, I was at an outdoor craft festival and I was standing at one of the craft booths. There was an older couple at the next booth over and they were holding hands and showing affection -– at one point they started kind of dancing with each other. I heard a person at my booth say to another – “Aw, isn’t that sweet. I love to see older newlyweds. I bet they are on their honeymoon!”

Well, those newlyweds were my parents, and they had been married longer than those people had been alive.

My dad respected my mom. Growing up, my dad always made it a point to honor my mom to me. He was never threatened by mom’s intelligence, and my mom is one smart woman. Dad would always say to me, “Paul, marry a smart woman, smarter than you. And when she corrects you – you will hate it, you will complain... but she is probably right -- so listen to her.”

Mom, don’t get a big head.

Laura, you can skip that part.

But my dad cherished my mom. He called her “the love of his life” and he said it often, and wrote it regularly, and meant it always. He he said it in front of me. And he said it to me. And he said it to mom.

And his little boy was watching.

I watched and I learned from my father what it meant to be a man. That being a man was about commitment over competence. Loyalty over luxury. That being a man had less to do with strength of body and more to do with strength of character.

My dad realized (as I realize BTW), that he married up. Our wives are both WAY out of our league. And knowing many of my married male readers -- you did too! And out of thankfulness, he lived a life of service to mom.

My dad didn’t know it, but he was imitating God.

The book of Ephesians, chapter 5 begins, “Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”

Then down at verse 25 it say: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."

There are a lot of people who seem to focus on Ephesians 5:22 -- "Wives submit to your husbands." But that is not the central message of this text. In fact, the husband's call to submission and love is so much greater than the wive's in the passage.

Dad was not a perfect husband... but he wanted to honor mom. And he taught me an important lesson: Marry Well.

Beauty

This is going to sound rude - it's not meant to be - but I'm discovering that most people look better to me in two dimensions.

What I mean is that I can know a person for years and never think, "Wow, that person is attractive." But when I take their picture, I see something in them I didn't see before. Maybe it's that I ALLOW myself to see something in them when I look through the lens that I don't see in "real life."

With that said, there is no woman more beautiful than my wife. She is beautiful, bright, funny, godly -- and no camera anywhere can capture her beauty.

Love Rubs Feet

This post was written back on May 5th. I often write posts and never post them. Honestly, for me, much of blogging is personal journaling. But I was thinking about this again this week, looked up the post, and decided to go public with it.

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This weekend I'm teaching on love. It's a sermon I have done before... actually several times. I heard another pastor at a conference give this basic outline back in 1991 and said to myself that day that I wanted to preach that outline every year of my ministry. Well, that hasn't happened. But I have given this outline maybe 5 or 6 times between the two churches I have served. Of course, some of the content changes... I would get bored with it otherwise... but the simple message is a good one:

Love boldly.

I have been thinking about love a lot lately. And much of it is born out of pain. I have been watching my parents struggle through dad's decline. I have another man I deeply respect who is in a battle with leukemia and doesn't seem to be winning. My friend and co-partner in ministry has a mom who is fighting her own health issues. In the midst of all of this darkness... there is this light. It's the love I see breaking through in these dark places.

Today I sat with this man named Paul. He is a pastor of sorts. And he is one of my heros. I had heard of him before I came to Athens and was really excited to meet him. In the past couple of years he, his wife and son became a part of the church I pastor. And at first, honestly, it was kind of wierd to have this guy who I kind of looked up to, be a part of my congregation. But in these years I have gotten to know him, his wife and son and I have seen a spiritual maturity that just blows me away. (Maybe I will write more about this another time).

But for now I just wanted to say: true love is really hard.

It rubs feet.

It changes bandages. It cleans up messes. It calls out the best in people. It forgets the worst in people.

So often our culture thinks of love as naked bodies writhing in pleasure. We even call it, "Making love."

That's stupid.

I'm not even sure "love" happens in the first years of marriage.

Love is when it becomes difficult. Sacrificial.

Love is when you talk to that friend and you don't want to talk.

It's when you give and don't want to give.

When you call and don't want to call.

Love rubs feet.

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Paul Martin
June 28, 1946 - August 14, 2009

A moment for the history books

Although I'm sure there will be constant mud-slinging even after the election is over, this recent discovery about Barack Obama by ABC TV news anchor, Terry Morgan is going to cause a lot of discussion and controversy.

glumbert - A Moment For The History Books

snicker

Are there gender differences?

Hey, if you got a second, hop on over to my friend KT's blog and take a gander. I would like to know what my readers think. Feel free to comment on her blog, or you can comment on mine...

Moments like these...

You need moments like these to make it through parenting. This picture was taking in my childhood bedroom. It is really strange to see my three-year old-daughter sitting in the same bedroom I sat when I was three.

I have been up with her since at 4:30 am cleaning up vomit... the whole time she is crying how she doesn't want her daddy, she wants her mommy (who is also sick with a cold and I'm trying to serve her by letting her sleep. Also my wife doesn't like vomit all that much... not that any of us do, but I generally take this task from her.) When Laura came down, Lydia gave all her attention to her... I didn't exist anymore. So I put on the caretaker hat again and went to made breakfast for my wife... did some cleaning, etc.

This is my day off.

Now, it's tempting to turn this into an illustration of our relationship with God... as I have learned a lot about God wanting a relationship with us through being a parent. But here are my more raw feelings...

Lydia is definitely a mommy's girl... and where someday that might change, it is really hard now. I work really hard to be a good dad. I try to spend a lot of time with her. I do a lot of stuff for her and with her. So it's hard when she rejects me. Yes, I know she is only three and doesn't know any better, but it's still hard.

I think the deeper issue here is that I sometimes feel I'm at the bottom of everyone's priority list. (And for the record, this sounds a lot more pathetic than it really is, as I guess that most everyone feels this way at times. But this IS my blog -- kind of an journal for me -- so I tend to be more raw and in the moment). But my job requires me to give, and to serve, and to listen...etc... my role as a husband and dad the same. As a dad, I often feel that I give a lot more than I get back at this stage... which honestly was not how I imagined it would be. (My wife certainly does not feel this way. She gets a lot positive strokes from being a parent. Lots of "I love yous," cute moments, and stuff like that. Parenting is very fulfilling to her at this time.)

And, for as much as we both know it's not the way it's supposed to be, the reality is that my wife's primary attention goes to Lydia as well at this stage of Lydia's life. I often feel that Lydia is a priority over me. We both "know" this is not the way it should be... especially long term... but it makes sense: Lydia is 3 -- and if she needs something, she needs someone to get it for her. I guess I can take care of myself. But this really makes me face my self-centeredness.

Here is the point: When I was single, I always imagined that marriage was primarily about companionship. That if I was married, I would never feel alone again and I would have that "special someone" who always put me first. To a MUCH lesser degree, I felt this way about becoming a parent as well (although I was much less naive about this one). I figured that being a dad would mean someone who would always think I was the greatest (at least until she became a teenager!).

And in a perfect world without sin, that may be the case. But in THIS world, marriage and parenting become tools that God uses to make us holy. To teach us patience. (And yes, even to show us His love and grace at times.) So the primary outcome is not that I get attention from Lydia... or even Laura... the primary outcome is that God uses marriage and parenting to refine me. And the companionship piece... or the warm fuzzies... is secondary. A nice bonus if it happens.

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I have been working on these thoughts off and on throughout the day. This evening, I was sitting on my couch (actually writing this post) and Lydia walked over to me, gave me this very cute "can I climb into your lap" look, and climbed into my lap. She snuggled into me... let out a sigh and gave me a little kiss. I almost hit the delete button on this post, but these feelings are still real and they are still there and they are still a part of who I am at this stage of my life. But a glimpse of grace is always nice.