I guess I have been reluctant to write about my dad. I haven't slept well the past couple of weeks and I have been stress eating like crazy. Things that used to make me excited just feel flat.
I'm kind of a "wear my emotions on my sleeve" kind of person - transparency has never been an issue for me. But this struggle seems more private to me. It's been harder to talk about for some reason. And there is a tiredness to this season of my life that goes deep to the bone. Even to my spirit.
If you don't know, my dad has had serious health issues for the past 5 years. Slowly, I have watched his body deteriorate. Three weeks ago he had major open heart surgery (replacing a valve and repairing another). He spent the past couple of weeks in ICU struggling to recover from that surgery. And wouldn't you know, the day after they took him out of ICU, he had a stroke. He now has limited movement on his right side and has a lot of trouble getting words out. It's clear he knows what we are saying, he just can't put the words together. (This is in addition to the heart surgery and other complications.) So where most people are up and walking after 3 days, my dad is worse off now than when he went in.
To really know me is to know my family system. I'm incredibly close to my parents. My dad is, hands down, the most influential man in my life. Growing up, he was my hero. He could do anything. Fix anything. Overcome anything. He worked 30 years in the same classroom and loved every minute of it. He was loyal to his wife, his work, his friends, his family. I loved the way he loved my mom. He was my best man at my wedding. I could go on and on...
Tonight I was lying in bed trying to sleep and, for the first time, it dawned on me that I might have had my last "conversation" with my dad (as least as I knew it).
Even writing those words seem so surreal to me.
And really painful.
Growing up, dad would be teaching me something and he would say, "I know I have probably told you this before, and if so, I'm sorry. Just listen to it again. You know, when I was your age I used to get so frustrated with my dad. He would say the same thing over and over. But now, I really wish I had him around."
I guess I just want to "listen to it all again."
Reflections of a Journeying Blogger
7 comments:
Paul, your words touch me deeply. Goodbyes and last times are the most wrenching parts of our existence here. They can afflict us to the point that we don't want to go on. They can make us feel mortal, maybe for the first time. Cling to Laura and Lydia and your friends. Let them keep your life forces flowing. Look to God and trust him to help you along.
nothing to say. love you, brother.
You've really articulated this well, I think. I'm so, so sorry for what you (and your family) are going through. I can tell you dad knows he's loved, though, and that should be no small comfort.
I think I know what you are feeling right now, to some extent. My uncle, who I was really close to (he was the only person in my family to ever go to all of my cross-country meets in high school/ I called him more than my parents when I came to college) just died. The last real conversation I had with him was thirteen months ago, but it is still SO painful. Loss is incredibly hard. When I began to write about my uncle, I lost it. Typing his name was just too hard.
I realize that this may not be that comforting, but you are not alone.
Hey, Paul. I’ve learned a thing or two about dealing with sadness, and I can totally relate to what you said about the deep tiredness you feel – your description is so accurate. During our most difficult times, when there were absolutely no words to bring comfort, I found solace in the simple knowledge of God’s peace. I pray that you will be infused with the peace that passes understanding, and that you will find rest.
I think the fact that he is a great dad is pretty evident after ten minutes of knowing you. Hurting for you friend.
sorry to hear about your dad. your words at the end struck a cord with me. being a dad and thinking of the next generation, my sons and what i want to leave behind for them.
thanks for stopping by today as it led me here.
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