Now, I know my single friends won't have much sympathy, but I am really lonely right now. I dropped my wife off at the airport. She is at a training event in San Diego for work all this week. Honestly, I'm a wimp. I don't function well without her and this house seems so empty... even with a dog and a small child.
Now, I'm not asking any of you to fill my social calendar. I can't really go anywhere... I do have a child, and I have lots to do this week. But I'm just telling you because this is a blog and I'm supposed to do that I guess.
It would be hard to be a single parent. I'm not sure I believe the statement "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." I can't imagine a pain more intense than "love lost," particularly to death.
I don't fear a lot. But I fear the death of my spouse. I guess I would "make it"-- it would be hard --but I doubt I would abandon my faith or anything stupid like that. (I'm not sure what that would look like. Even if I was pissed off at God, it's not like I could choose not to believe in Him.) But I can't imagine my life without her. My sense has always been that I would leave ministry... I'm not sure I'm strong enough to be in ministry and single. God bless those who can do it... I don't see it.
What, would I date? "Hey, want to go to dinner?" That seems so shallow. How do people who lose their spouse do it? Sure, I do think there would be enough grace to "go on" but I'm not sure what kind of "on" it would be.
Okay, now I'm really depressed.
Reflections of a Journeying Blogger
5 comments:
OK, go watch Hook and think to yourself, "Happy thoughts…"
I think I wrote it on your blog over a year ago that I lost my happy little life recently, which included my spouse, although not to death. I'm not entirely sure if death would have been easier to bear; I doubt it, but I do wonder. In those early days when I realized I was losing her, it seamed like the end of my life, and in a real sense it was the end of my life as I knew it.
Those of you who know me know how much I dislike being alone. I'm a little concerned that I might start dating just for the sake of not being alone, although I think I'm being careful to watch that motivation. Like you suggest, the whole idea of dating seems a little shallow to me. I've been in a real relationship and I know that I want something deeper than cheap talk over dinner. But I guess that's where it starts for me now. That's going to take some adjustment. I still can't bring myself to just ask random women out - that seems both shallow and futile - although some of my guy friends suggest that's the way to go. I'm not sure why I'm writing this on your blog, but hey, that's what blogs are for, right?
Paul, I'm single but I have sympathy to spare. I think it can be particularly hard to be alone when someone is woven into the pattern of your life and then that person is gone (even if only for a week). It's an all pervasive, off-key sort of loneliness. It's a different sort of loneliness when the pattern of one's life doesn't include a significant other. The pattern is still whole--it's just not the pattern one wants.
Jared, even though I don't dislike being alone to the degree that you do, I guess these days I'm getting more alone time than I really want, so I can relate to the fear-of-dating-to avoid-loneliness. I'm not likely to be driven to asking out random men on Court Street or something, but I'm afraid that I would say yes to a guy because not being alone is so very appealing. I'm pretty sure the bitter lessons learned from having made that mistake before will keep me from it again. Or so I hope.
It's not just those who have been married before that dislike the idea of casual dating....there are plenty of never married people who feel that way. I'm not exactly sure where one goes to meet them...I think they have a secret club or something.
Some of my friends have started asking me if I've considered online dating services. Ouch. I wasn't even complaining about being single at the time. They ought to know that that is not really my style--the idea of evaluating an abstract of a person for potential dating seems a tad bit dehumanizing (who wants to be filtered in or out of consideration because of one's height??).
I think for now I'm content to work on developing more meaningful friendships and figure that the right romantic relationship will come along in good time. And if not, my back up plan is to become a crazy old cat lady. I've already got two parts of the equation, so I'm pretty set there....
Jared--don't sell yourself short. If you want something deeper than cheap talk over dinner, then don't settle for less than cheap talk over dinner and a movie. (oh wait, that's not what I meant...).
now, paul. you can't read minds. it's entirely possible to wallow in singleness-self-pity AND be sympathetic to your plight. i am an exercise in contradictions.
your current loneliness and fears are, as you know, perfectly normal. and we could all "what if" every detail of our lives...agonize over them... but wait! your wife is alive, and beautiful as ever. she will return to you [and on a cruise, no less]!
it is encouraging to watch you two after even so many years of marriage. you declare your love, in public, unprompted, and i know it is not just for show. and it's not like i'm only around for the rainbows and sunshine and frolicking in the fields... i know that marriage can be tough. i don't know what any of this has to do with anything, and i don't know that i have anything to say to help you be less sad. just know that you are not alone, even though it feels like it. and that if you need a game of euchre, you just say the word.
I'm in for euchre. We need a fourth. Anyone else in?
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