So I'm a pastor. I've never said that on this site, which I determined today at lunch with mdog, is really stupid. I'm playing this silly game but anyone in my congregation who posts on this site knows that I'm me. So the game is over. It's too hard for me to blog about anything real and not talk about my job. It really is a huge part of who I am... maybe too much.
So I'm guessing that you all have times where you struggle with significance. It's funny, so many times I have people say to me, "Well, at least you are doing something eternal with your life. At least you don't struggle with feeling like your life isn't making a difference."
That is bull pucky. (That harsh cuss word was for Patrick's sake).
Take preaching. So almost every week I pour over a subject or thought. I spend hours thinking about it and wrestling with it (usually over a period of weeks or months). I run ideas past people. I talk about it while I stand up and sit down and walk along the road... you get the point. And then I stand up there... and I'm vulnerable... and I say that thoughts that have been inside my soul... and sometimes it comes out and makes sense and sometimes it doesn't...
And I get done...
And I wonder if any of it made any difference at all.
I mean really.
And don't get me wrong, I think preaching is biblical and important. (So let's not turn this into a discussion on the importance of preaching). And I think I do it okay. But you have to do it to understand...
Sometimes the looks on people's faces... they are so blank... and I'm thinking, "What are you thinking about? Why are you thinking about what you are having for lunch!"
And when I get done, I want to go into a hole and hide. (And that is when people often tell me what they didn't like or where they disagreed with me!)
I'm not writing this for positive strokes (but we all like them, don't we)... but to tell you... my readers... that LIFE is a struggle for meaning and significance. And those of you who live in cubical land... what you do is just as significant (or un-significant) as what I do. And everyone struggles with this and if they tell you they don't... give me their name. I want to meet them.
So this site might change in tone. Or I may just shut it down. :O)
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5 comments:
I've been struggling with my own significance battle lately - for a while now actually. I really feel like what I spend most of my time doing (my job) doesn't really produce anything of importance. I design web sites for a variety of organizations - from county planning commissions to energy consultants, but I really don't think what I do matters. In fact, I've got statistical proof that many of the web sites I work on have very few and infrequent visitors. I do quality work and I make the same money if there are two visitors or two million, but I'd like to know that what I spend my time on is worth more than a few extra dollars in the bank.
I don't want to waste my life attracting tourists or mapping water polution (not that these are bad things). I want to change the world into something a little more like what God had in mind at the beginning. I realize as I look at this in terms of my job, that my job is not all of my life. I can do something significant after work, but I don't want to stop there. That's not enough for me.
Paul: I know you struggle with what difference you really make, but I think there is something special about what you do. Your sermons (and your friendship too) have changed my life in immeasurable ways. They have brought me hope in times of dispair, conviction in times of comfort and an understanding of God that I could not have found on my own. Thank you.
wait... what? you're a PASTOR?? oh crap.
i'm glad my ridiculous amount of blog vulnerability has been significant. i'm glad you feel free to be you here. i'm glad you're my pastor. i'm glad you're my friend.
this may sound odd, knowing how much i LOVE my sleep, but: i rather enjoy the days i need to be around for both services. i don't REALLY have to stay through the second service, much less be in the sanctuary at all, for that matter. and yet i choose to stay. why do you think that is?
[for the record, that's a rhetorical question. i've learned that sometimes i need to make that clear...]
I think it is amazing that you are questioning the significance of your job. Hardly a week goes by in small group where the topic of your sermons doesn't come up. The comment usually said is, "Paul was sure on fire on Sunday." I know that you can make fire come out of your hands but I don't think that is what is meant. I think the sheer number of spiritual conversations that are sparked by your sermons would overwhelm you.
I hate to make overgeneralizations but if you are really struggling with this then maybe we as a congregation are really doing a bad job at encouraging you and building you up. You are helping in spiritual guidance of hundrends of people. It is significant.
Your personalization and vulnerabilities shown while preaching is part of what makes your sermons so applicable to my life. Thank you for being great at what you do.
fellow bloggers
So let me be clear. Most of the time, I really love what I do and think that it is what I was designed to do. Really. But all of us struggle to find meaning at times. I really appreciate the nice things said (we all like affirmation) but my point was not JUST to get affirmation for me... :O) but to say, "If you all struggle with this, know that you are not alone and [even] pastors sometime struggle with this."
Finding where you are "called" is important. For the most part, I feel I'm doing what I was called to do... what I was designed to do... especially when I feel passionate about what I'm talking about (quite honestly, like this coming week). But finding your call is sometimes just mixed with out and out obedience... I just have to do this.
But no one is on the mountain all the time. And I would argue that EVERYONE questions their significance at some point.
But you can disagree with me if you want.
I do think everyone questions his or her significance at some point. I think this is perhaps worse in our globalized society, where we can be very aware of being one among billions.
I think it is your willingness to be vulnerable that helps others to understand and make sense of what may feel like confusing ramblings. It is good to know you are HUMAN. It helps to know you are not speaking down to us from a pedestal, but that you speak from experience, and that you are as you say "doing life with us." It makes your teaching very real.
And I imagine it is difficult to be up there and not get much feedback. Part of that may be because you want to communicate with us, not preach at us. And lots of blank stares makes that very one sided.
And yes I will admit to zoning out sometimes and thinking about my day or what I want for lunch. But I think that has more to do with my growling stomach, lack of sleep, or my anxiety about my busy schedule than anything.
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