Moments like these...

You need moments like these to make it through parenting. This picture was taking in my childhood bedroom. It is really strange to see my three-year old-daughter sitting in the same bedroom I sat when I was three.

I have been up with her since at 4:30 am cleaning up vomit... the whole time she is crying how she doesn't want her daddy, she wants her mommy (who is also sick with a cold and I'm trying to serve her by letting her sleep. Also my wife doesn't like vomit all that much... not that any of us do, but I generally take this task from her.) When Laura came down, Lydia gave all her attention to her... I didn't exist anymore. So I put on the caretaker hat again and went to made breakfast for my wife... did some cleaning, etc.

This is my day off.

Now, it's tempting to turn this into an illustration of our relationship with God... as I have learned a lot about God wanting a relationship with us through being a parent. But here are my more raw feelings...

Lydia is definitely a mommy's girl... and where someday that might change, it is really hard now. I work really hard to be a good dad. I try to spend a lot of time with her. I do a lot of stuff for her and with her. So it's hard when she rejects me. Yes, I know she is only three and doesn't know any better, but it's still hard.

I think the deeper issue here is that I sometimes feel I'm at the bottom of everyone's priority list. (And for the record, this sounds a lot more pathetic than it really is, as I guess that most everyone feels this way at times. But this IS my blog -- kind of an journal for me -- so I tend to be more raw and in the moment). But my job requires me to give, and to serve, and to listen...etc... my role as a husband and dad the same. As a dad, I often feel that I give a lot more than I get back at this stage... which honestly was not how I imagined it would be. (My wife certainly does not feel this way. She gets a lot positive strokes from being a parent. Lots of "I love yous," cute moments, and stuff like that. Parenting is very fulfilling to her at this time.)

And, for as much as we both know it's not the way it's supposed to be, the reality is that my wife's primary attention goes to Lydia as well at this stage of Lydia's life. I often feel that Lydia is a priority over me. We both "know" this is not the way it should be... especially long term... but it makes sense: Lydia is 3 -- and if she needs something, she needs someone to get it for her. I guess I can take care of myself. But this really makes me face my self-centeredness.

Here is the point: When I was single, I always imagined that marriage was primarily about companionship. That if I was married, I would never feel alone again and I would have that "special someone" who always put me first. To a MUCH lesser degree, I felt this way about becoming a parent as well (although I was much less naive about this one). I figured that being a dad would mean someone who would always think I was the greatest (at least until she became a teenager!).

And in a perfect world without sin, that may be the case. But in THIS world, marriage and parenting become tools that God uses to make us holy. To teach us patience. (And yes, even to show us His love and grace at times.) So the primary outcome is not that I get attention from Lydia... or even Laura... the primary outcome is that God uses marriage and parenting to refine me. And the companionship piece... or the warm fuzzies... is secondary. A nice bonus if it happens.

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I have been working on these thoughts off and on throughout the day. This evening, I was sitting on my couch (actually writing this post) and Lydia walked over to me, gave me this very cute "can I climb into your lap" look, and climbed into my lap. She snuggled into me... let out a sigh and gave me a little kiss. I almost hit the delete button on this post, but these feelings are still real and they are still there and they are still a part of who I am at this stage of my life. But a glimpse of grace is always nice.