The crash

I have written about the crash before. I was really worried about how my body/soul/spirit would handle moving to 3 services a weekend. Surprisingly, since the 3 services, there has actually been LESS of a crash... and I'm trying to figure out why. (I honestly think some of it has to do with my move to sitting rather than standing... or maybe I'm spreading the adrenaline out?). But the past 3 months have been fairly "crash free."

Until today.

Today I crashed... and crashed pretty hard.

What it means to "crash" looks different for me-- but it mostly involves feeling overwhelmed with the inability to manage what is going on. I feel worthless, powerless, tired, unappreciated, misunderstood... I become very sensitive to criticism and the dissenting voices. I feel like I'm letting people down, particularly my staff and those closest to me. There is this massive jumble of emotions... emotions that really don't make sense, as they are not really tied to anything real.

But the feeling is very real.

So why am I writing this? I have no idea. Why am I putting these feelings out on a public forum? What is to be gained from it? Well, to be honest, I think it is part of being a follower of Jesus. There are ups and downs. There is a battle. This is reality. And anyone who says otherwise is living in fairy-tale land.

Here's the thing: it's not that I don't see God at work. For those of you who were there, our weekend services seemed to have a pretty powerful effect of some folks. It is amazing to see God do that... and fairly consistently at all 3 services. I'm starting to hear the stories already. I know of at least 3 people who made decisions to follow Jesus this weekend. I heard of another tonight at the staff meeting. There were several others who obviously had pretty profound encounters with God. There was a certain "rawness" about this weekend... and maybe that is what I'm experiencing. Raw produces raw.

Funny, for those of you who heard the message... remember all the accusations I listed? Well, those are pretty much what the enemy hurled at me from the moment I stepped off the platform.

"You are no good. If they really knew you they would reject you. You are neglecting people. Listen to the voices that complain. You have to please everyone. You have to have everyone like you. You are a lousy pastor, boss, friend, christian..."

And so now I'm asking, "Is that true?"

(some pastor said I should ask that... and you know... it really does help.)

Is that true?

Well, in a sense. Yea, some of it is true. I do neglect some people. You probably WOULD reject me if you knew me! I'm not the greatest boss, pastor, friend or Christian....

But I don't need to get my value from those things.

Those things... as important as they are... they do not define me.

I am defined by a blood-stained cross. That I matter that much to God. That the One who fashioned the universe and spoke it into being knows my name. And He says I matter. No matter how big or small my church is, no matter how much or little impact I make, no matter who likes me or who hates me, no matter if people are singing my praises or lining up to stone me.

I'm defined by who God says I am.

And THAT is the truth.

"God, some pieces have been taken out of me this week. I have taken some hits. I have poured myself out. I feel broken. I ask that you put me back together. And I will willingly do it again... for Your sake."