Thorn

"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

2 Cor. 12:7-10

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I grew up as a magician, doing magic shows before very large crowds from a pretty young age. I loved being in front of people. I loved to "perform." I loved figuring out the timing of making people laugh. My dad and I would critique each show, often as we drove to the next one. In the car, we would methodically walk through the show and hone each routine from the opening words to the closing ones. We would add jokes (even "ad libs" that weren't ad lib). We would craft the "patter" of each effect.

Occasionally we would be doing a show and I would get nervous. My dad's advice? "Fake it until you make it." He really was of the school, "Don't tell them you are nervous and they will never know. But if you tell them, it will make you seem less professional and you will be all the more nervous."

Now, it's funny; I don't remember having "stage fright" all that much growing up. I spoke in front of hundreds of people at a time, and never really gave it much thought.

That was then.

When I did magic shows.

And it worked.

Now, to be clear, I think much of my life has been to prepare me for what I do now. I've been speaking in public as a magician since the age of 5. I spent hours upon hours a week learning how to engage an audience and craft a routine. I did four years of drama while in High School, acting in plays and musicals. I did several years on the debate team. In college I was a speech communication major. There is no doubt that I have been trained as a speaker (often I think I should be MUCH better at this than I am!).

Then I became a pastor.

And something happened.

While I was in seminary, I was a youth pastor in this small church. This church hired me... and to say I was "green" would be an incredible understatement. I had this little youth group. And I did the best I could do at being their pastor -- knowing absolutely nothing about being a youth pastor.

I remember I did this bible study. It was on forgiveness. And as I was speaking, I felt this strange sense that something "bigger than me" was going on. I have no other words than that -- but the strange mix of confidence and heaviness was overwhelming.

What surprised me is that I would teach on something... and dang it... the students would go and do it. They would forgive people who hurt them. They would reach out to people they wouldn't normally have reached out to. They would share their faith with their friends.

It was weird.

Sometimes their parents would call me and ask me what happened to their child.

I will never forget the first time I spoke before a church. (Sermon title: "If I am a part of the body of Christ, than why do I feel like a toe?") It was this very odd mix of incredible excitement -- and nothing short of terror. I wasn't expecting that.

So...

I've been doing this "preaching" thing for 17 years now. And the excitement... and the terror... have never gone away. I get sick before almost every time I speak. I'm a mess the day before. Moments before I walk on the platform, most of the time it would not take much to talk me out of it. I can't describe it. But I don't like it.

And yet, at the same time, while I'm teaching, I feel most alive.

There is an old movie called, "Chariots of Fire." In it, Eric Liddell (who is a runner), says something like, "I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast, and when I run, I feel God's pleasure."

When I teach, I feel God's pleasure.

Yet.

I'm writing this because after taking 4 weeks off from preaching, I started again this past Sunday. I felt like I hit a brick wall. I felt like I got ran over by a train. I took a 4-hour-nap afterward and, really, would have slept through most of Monday and most of today if I didn't have a job to do. Fortunately, it usually gets easier in a few weeks. My body gets back into a groove.

But until then...I don't like it.

I'm not complaining. I'm so thankful to God that He distributes spiritual gifts to his Church. And I'm actually pretty thankful that I have a fairly good sense of my gifts. But gifts come at a cost. The giver of the gifts paid a price... and there is a "price" that is paid whenever we are broken open and poured out. There really is a difference between a gift and a talent. And maybe this is part of the difference.

So, do others of you struggle with this? In what areas? And if not.. I wonder why not?

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

God's power made perfect in weakness.

Power made perfect in weakness.

Power... perfect... weak.

Power. Weak.

God