Most of my life I have spent longing for something more. Even recently, while driving around Columbus on I 70, I was reminded that there is this deep longing in me -- this ache inside of me -- that wants to be fixed. That wants something more. That sees my condition and doesn't like it.
I'm not alone.
"All creation groans" waiting to be redeemed.
Trees, rocks, bugs, animals... and every human being ever created, whether we acknowledge it or not... deep inside... we know that something is wrong.
Some things we can put our finger on... other longing we have not even been given eyes to see.
I want to be fixed. I want something more.
I'm not alone.
You are not alone.
And this is the gospel.
A friend wrote some of the most profound words about this I have ever read. You need to read them. They are raw, they are fresh, they are hard, they are filled with struggle and life and despair and hope.
I join her in the hope that "someday it will be different."
One more note: I always want to be a part of a church that understands this struggle as a sign of maturity. How I long for the church to be a place where people can be as real about their struggles as their hope. This is a sign to me that God really is at work in a community and a life. May it be so.
Reflections of a Journeying Blogger
3 comments:
This mentality " How I long for the church to be a place where people can be as real about their struggles as their hope. This is a sign to me that God really is at work in a community and a life" vs the "If you are struggling in your life then you must not be right with God, obviously there is sin you need to deal with", is why we are at Central. Yes we all have these struggles. I admire sjw for having the strength to share this with us all. Some of us would just not opt into opening up this much.
"one day i hope....."
Thank you Paul for this post. Lately I have been pondering the long list of things about myself I wish to fix. This pondering is nothing new for me. I have always known, whether I portray this to my peers or not, that I am not perfect. I don’t mind this struggle. But, lately this struggle has truned into blatent insecurity, and I have questioned my own self worth. The worst part of this struggle is that it has arisen from the relationship with my house of worship. I was not only openly questioning myself but was questioning the ideas of church. I wanted to know what we as Christians really believe and what are the struggles over which we must overcome to make that belief a reality. Most churchs, like most people, I am coming to realize, do not like to be questioned or be made to realize that their way might not be perfect. I was told my faith was hindered and my presense unwanted. It hurts to see the belief system becoming rampid in the western church of “if you struggle, there is something wrong with you. If you think the church struggles, then you are against it.”
I know eventually my personal bout of insecurity will pass for in the past I have had the luxery of being a part of churchs like Central where vulnerability is welcomed. My heart however goes out to those who know no other truth, no other church telling them that it is allright to struggle, and even to question.
Paul,
My soul resonates. I feel, too, like I'm always looking for something, that there has to be more than this. It is difficult for me to talk with others who feel that they've found what they are looking for and growing in that. I feel thta I'm always looking, always wondering what I can do to assist in the world in spite of my shortcomings. I too wish for the church to be a place where people can be in the "dark night of the soul" where they can be transparent about their failings, their sins and be encouraged, embraced, and loved, simply for being children of God. I don't know where my search will lead me, I know that my profession, the topics I research are tied to the core of the searching. Maybe that's it, maybe I should be concerned if I ever stop the search.
Thank you for this post, I really needed to connect with others who can speak to this experience. I just finished reading A New Kind of Christian for the first time and have been thinking that I'm part of a shift of thinking about the world and faith in Christ...I don't know, but that helped to validate this place I'm in.
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